What to Do? What to Say? What to Write?

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I had a freakishly unsettling situation occur yesterday:  I had nothing to do.  I mean, nothing on my SCHEDULE to do.  As the day started, I had an event before school, followed by a volunteer opportunity at said school shortly after, but was told I wasn’t needed.  So, by 8:15 in the morning, my schedule was clear.

ALL THE WAY clear.

My brain should have screamed:  “Woohoo!  I’ve got 6 hours to use!  I can finally get those errands run!  I can FINALLY mop the floor!  I can write a new post for my blog!”  So many opportunities!  So much time!

But instead, I stopped dead in my tracks, like a deer in headlights.  “Oh my gosh! I’ve got 6 hours!  What should I do?!  I don’t want to waste it!  God gave me this day; I really can’t squander it.  What is the best use of my time here?  How can I feel useful?  I have all this TIME!  Shouldn’t I be working?  Shouldn’t I be doing something to not use up the space and resources that abound on this planet?  Who CARES if my floor is mopped?!  I don’t have anything to say on my blog; I just can’t think.”

It. Was. Paralyzing.

What is wrong with me?!  I should have been elated!  But instead, I felt like a big-ole lump of lazy human, taking up the air that people were actually turning into energy used to earn the money they were working so hard to earn.

This same phenomenon has plagued me on and off since dear Hubby mentioned that he didn’t want his soon-to-be-wife to have to work.

“How about if your wife WANTS to work, honey?”

“Oh, no, no.  That’s not necessary.  I’ll take care of you.”

Bless the man.

So I stopped working…and instead began pacing the halls like a caged leopard.  Every moment seemed like an eternity.  Every breath felt wasted.  I could physically hear the clock in my mind, taunting me with every tick and toc.  Surely I was put on this earth for more than just pacing.

I needed to fill the time.  My workouts increased to two hours each day (Ok, an hour of gabbing and an hour of exercise; lets be realistic here.).  Then my penchant for volunteering sprung to life as if raised from the dead.  Need help tutoring?  Sure, I’ll do it.  Habitat for Humanity?  Sign me up!  Too many papers to file?  I got your back.  Whatever it was, I just couldn’t bear the hollow echoes of my empty home.  I kept feeling like I was wasting the time God gave me.

Until. The. Day.

The day I had kids.  My beautiful, amazing, life-giving (and life-sucking) cherubs who turned out to be harder than any job I’d ever had in my life!  Harder, more punishing, and far more rewarding.  My babies filled my days with noise, life, activity, music, arguments, and an endless to-do list.  I think they were an answer to prayer for me in more ways than one, taking away this aching, nagging feeling in my heart that I should be doing more with my life, more with the time God gave me.

This is where the “God-lesson” comes in; I can hear in my own words how “the hole in my heart needed to be filled by Jesus”, and “He loves you for YOU, not for what you do”.  I know. I know.

I know this is true.  Just as true as it is that when my body is idle, my mind is driving overtime.  Spinning in terrible circles until I’m so dizzy I can’t think straight.  I also know that anxiety is me trying to take control of what God has rightful control over.  But that doesn’t stop this same mind from burying me in a worry hole so deep that hardly any light shines through. The truth of God’s love, provision, and grace are as real to me as the sun on my face; and still (not “yet”, and not “but”), STILL my mind cannot slow down.

Both of my boys have ADHD and some Sensory Processing issues (SPD), and, I am sadly learning, it appears as though maybe I am the culprit.  In all of my research for the boys, I have learned that minds with makeups such as ours don’t always process and receive the information around them peacefully.  There are sensory “seekers” and sensory “avoiders”; each of which seeks or avoids input in order to calm their minds down.  Seekers need constant activity, noise, light, or stimulation in order to feel calm.  In other words, when the world is crazy around them, they are as cool as a cucumber. (“I’m an island of calm in a turbulent sea.”)  Avoiders need all stimuli to vanish in order to feel the same peace.

Noise aside, I think I may be a seeker:  I need to be active, I always want background noise (QUIET background noise…like birds), I love light, I love colors and patterns, I love to be rushed, I love having too many things to do, and I am a whiz at multi-tasking.

So if you leave me with an open schedule, and my noise-makers in school, I’m a little lost puppy left with too much time to come up with stuff to worry about.  And MAN, am I good at worrying! Like, PhD good!

Fear not.  I know that having a PhD in worry is not something about which to boast, and I’m not proud of it.  In fact, I’d give my right arm to get rid of it.  However, after all this time, I’ve finally come to peace with the fact that God is good and loves me just as much as He would if I never worried again.  God gave me the mind He gave me. Why? I’ll never know.  But I have what I have and need to realize that I’m doing the best I can and letting God do the rest.  Anxiety is the thorn in my side, I guess…

And to that end, I found myself, once again, at the helm of the worry-ship.

A whole day open?  God, please don’t let me waste it.  Please forgive me for not being useful.  Help me to find the time in this open day to fill myself with life, peace, and health, that I may pass it on to others.

*****

As I look over this post, I can’t even BELIEVE I would dare write about the trials of having an open day.  Before I blink, I won’t have time to tie my shoes or go to the bathroom.

Well, I guess FULL days will be the subject of the next post.

I like to keep you hoppin’.


Guest Author!!

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Well, I am happy to report that we have a budding author here in our household.  My sweet bambinos had a day off of school today, and Little Man decided to write a story.  He used up his whole day off composing what you will see below.

(Please note:  He worked very hard on this. 😉 )

Puppy and Blanky the Heroes

by Joshua Wuerffel

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Once upon a time, there were two fellows named Puppy and his twin Blanky.They were twins and BFFs (best friends forever).They go on lots of adventures,hikes, and quests.One day there village was in danger!(there also heroes and knights) They had to go on a journey to save their fellow friends.They packed up their weapons,armour,food,and their horses. They were on there way when suddenly a herd of bears came!They had to think fast! Blanky got his mace at hand. The bears ran straight  at them! But the bears ran right past them Blanky put the  mace on his back. Puppy put down his shield and sword on the ground and stared at the place where the bears came from. Blanky looked at Puppy and said ‘‘Puppy?’’ Puppy didn’t respond. He just kept staring at the place where the bears came from. Then he muttered “must….” “what?” Blanky asked. Puppy’s eyes turned back to normal(his eyes turned green by the way). Puppy said “what…what happened?” Blanky said “i don’t know” “i think you got hypnotized” “LOL” Puppy said “my head hurts” Puppy got up and got his shield and sword off the ground. Blanky got his bow very quickly and aimed the the arrow at the woods (that’s where the bears came from and were Puppy stared at). Then he put it down and said “i just saw a guy with yellowish and greenish eyes”. Then they voted on if they go in the woods or not. Puppy won. He voted on not going in the woods until tomorrow. Then they went to bed. Puppy woke up to see that Blanky wasn’t in his bed. During the night he rolled on top of Puppy’s bed. Puppy smacked Blanky in the face Blanky quickly woke up and got his bow and pulled out a arrow and pulled it back and quickly looked around and let out a big “phew!” Puppy said “time to go in the deep dark woods”. They had breakfast and grabbed all their gear. Then they left. The first step Puppy took in the deep dark woods he stepped in poison ivy. There was poison ivy EVERYWHERE. Then after all the poison ivy they found a tree. Not only was it a tree it was a huge tree. They went around it Blanky was first. Then he turned around and saw that Puppy wasn’t there behind him. Blanky walked back to the front but on his way he stepped on a pressure plate and he fell into a very very very dark tunnel then he saw light through the tunnel he went to it. It was Puppy!! but he was fighting a thousand zombies!! but he had a gimongous sword and shield. Blanky grabbed his mace in the right hand and his bow in his left hand. He did a three sixty backflip in the air and cut one of the zombies head off. Puppy through his torch at a group of zombies and set twelve on fire. Then Blanky said “nice only nine hundred eighty seven to go LOL” Then the greenish yellowish eyes appeared in the dark again and looked at the two warriors and then all the zombies died then the eyes vanished again. Then Puppy grabbed his torch and ran after the yellowish greenish eyes guy they ran and ran and ran and ran and ran until Blanky saw stairs. They went up the stairs. Then they were out of the deep dark woods. They couldn’t even see where they  went to bed well that’s because it was night time. They turned around ready to go back in the tunnel when they turned around to a surprise the tunnel was not there! it was gone they went down the mountain the greenish yellowish eyed guy was not there. Then they saw a village they went to the village it was not the village were they lived it was a different village. They talked to the villagers. They met a very brave warrior they talked to him about all the weird stuff they’ve been through. He asked them if he could join them Blanky said “please what’s your name?” he said “my name is Slush” Blanky asked Slush if he had seen the yellowish greenish eyed guy he said “yes he turned off all the power all i saw of him was his eyes just a couple minutes ago” Blanky said “that guy’s been scaring us like CRAZY” Blanky said “get your armour and your weapons and your horse. After a while he came back with his armour and a bb gun and a sledge hammer on his horse. Then all the three heros got on there horses. Then Slush told them were the yellowish greenish eyed guy went. Then after alot of bottom hurting they made it to a forest. Then they heard a loud BOOM and everything went black then they saw greenish yellowish guy in the air with thousands of skeletons below him. Then a huge zap!! hit the skeletons from greenish yellowish eyed guy. Then they skeletons eyes turned red and looked at the three heroes. Right then Slush jumped into action he pulled out his sledge hammer and jumped high in the air put the sledge hammer above him and SLAMMED his sledge hammer with all his might and made an earthquake and all the skeletons fell into lava below the earth. Then greenish yellowish eyed guy disappeared. Then Blanky shouted “NO your not gonna disappear again!!!!” he jumped in the air as high as he could and got his bow and arrow and grabbed the STRONGEST ARROW IN HISTORY and pulled back and shot the arrow flew through the arrow at infinity miles per hour and blew up the WHOLE FOREST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Puppy and Slush were fine. We looked and looked but could not find the yellowish greenish eyed guy. Blanky said “you guys seen anything?” they both shook their heads and both said “no” then they got on there horses and rode away from the forest and into the desert. Then they saw something on fire. It was a village there was a portal of some kind. Then they say a warrior in silver armour and had an energy blaster and a power sword fight zombie pigman. They rushed in to help the villagers and the warrior Slush broke the portal. Blanky started demolishing the zombie pigman like mad. Puppy helped all the villagers get out of the village once again the yellowish greenish eyed guy was flying in the air he stared at Slush. Slush looked scared then the other warrior jumped in the air with his power sword and actually HIT the greenish yellowish eyed guy!!! he went flying and hit the ground. Then the warrior jumped and stabbed the ground right as the greenish yellowish eyed guy disappeared the yellowish greenish eyed guy was right behind Slush but Slush didn’t know. The yellowish greenish eyed guy’s fist started flashing then went zooming at Slush’s face Slush didn’t make it in time he got punched really hard in the face. Slush went flying and the warrior with the power sword swung really hard at the greenish yellowish eyed guy nobody else saw because the all went over to Slush to see if he was okay. The power sword swung and missed because the greenish yellowish eyed guy disappeared. Then the warrior turned around and walked up to Puppy and Blanky and said “is he alright?” Puppy said “i don’t know” then Puppy and Blanky looked at him and said “who are you?” he said “i am the one and only Ivan” Blanky said “i like your power sword and your energy blaster” Ivan said “TY!” then they checked on Slush he had a black eye and a huge bruise on his face then Blanky said “hey ,Ivan want to join with us on our adventure?” Ivan said “sure” then blanky said “do you know anything about that guy with greenish yellowish eyes?” he said “yes i know one thing he likes to haunt people” then they got on there horses and grabbed Slush pulled him on Ivan’s horse and the rebuilt the portal and went through it. They were in a castle a haunted castle then they say the greenish yellowish eyed guy! Blanky said “yyyeeeess!! a castle a great place for archery Ivan get your energy blaster and shoot and shoot and shoot” Ivan got his energy blaster and Blanky got his bow and they both shot and shot and shot and shot until finally Ivan shot the greenish yellowish eyed guy. He hit the ground Ivan said “THIS IS DESTINY!!!” and he jumped off the castle and got his power sword and it turned purple and he swung with all his might and made the whole earth rumble and through his sword just in time he KILLED THE GREENISH YELLOWISH EYED GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! right before he could disappear!! then Slush jumped right up!  we all screamed “YEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!!!” and after that we got back on our horses went through the portal and back into Ivan’s village we told him to tell his village and him to come to our celebration at our village and after a while he came back with all the other villagers and we all rode to Slush’s village he did the same thing and all the villagers got on horses and rode with us to our village. The party lasted three weeks. we were legends and heroes.
THE END